Uncertainty arises.

Sometimes, well, more often than not I feel like I'm wasting my time. Lately I've been feeling down and the inspirational/creative part of my mind, body and soul has gone missing. All I seem to do lately is watch TV and eat veggies and natural fruit—mango, strawberry, lime, coconut, grape, orange, tangerine, etc, etc,.—popsicles (they're pretty common here in Mexico. They have no preservatives, colorants nor anything chemical. They're delicious). I'm a Visual Arts student and lately haven't been inspired at all. About a month ago I started taking tons of photographs—which reminds me that I still have 3 35mm films and one medium format film still undeveloped—but lately... NOTHING. While growing up I was always really bad at school, especially in secondary school. I failed courses all the time, failed final exams and had to go to summer school during that 3 year period. Then I entered high school (10th grade) and I wasn't so bad anymore. Still, I always felt like school was never something for me. It never interested me; I got bored, I didn't like to interact with people as much and most of the time I had my headphones on. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't as anti-social as this may sound—not that there's anything wrong with being one.— I was in the soccer team, I had a lot of friends, I liked the teachers and the teachers liked me but it just wasn't my world, you know? I always felt (and still feel) like I didn't fit in. I'm in the fifth semester of my career and still have doubts about what I'm doing. I know doubts never really go away but I don't know if I'm still going the right direction... As a matter of fact, I don't even know if I made the right decision from the beginning. Am I wasting my time? The perfect excuse made by my brain is that this is something I have to live and experience; all the laziness, all the doing-nothing-time. All that wasted time. Is it worth it? How do I know if that time wasn't meant to have a great photograph or creation within its hours, minutes and seconds? Music has always been my passion, even more than Visual Arts. For reasons I don't quite understand now, I didn't go to a music school when I finished High School. Instead, I decided to apply to the Visual Arts department. I don't regret it, I just don't know if it's right for me anymore. I've never been the kind of person who finishes things, I always give up one thing before finishing it and start with the other. Sports, several extracurricular classes and activities, friends, projects, even music. I never finish anything. I hate it. I hate being so inconsistent and irresponsible. My lack of interest for my career is starting to bother me. Deep inside I know that I love Photography, it's definitely one of my passions in life but what kills my creative soul is school. They make me look at what I love as an assignment, a responsibility, something I HAVE to do when THEY want me to do it. I can't work like that. I don't function like that. They take the meaning out of my work. For the past few months I've been remembering the time when the High School counselor asked me how I saw myself in the future, in ten years. I always saw myself playing music, touring, sharing what I love the most (music) with everyone else. I never told her that. Instead I answered: 'I'm not sure, yet.'

xoxo
Cuca

My self-confused-portrait:

It's Monday once again.

It's Monday once again. Today I woke up at 6:45 am. Not because I had to (I don't have to go to the University until 10:00 am) but because my whole world backed up one hour, literally. The time changed on Saturday and what today was 6:45 am, had been 7:45 am for several months. I wonder if that slows my life down too. Does it allow me to get older any slower? What's for sure is that I'm not getting any younger, at least not physically. Spiritually, yes I am.
I always get invaded by the feeling of not wanting to do anything at all, not right now, not two hours later, not for a week. I just want to lay down and think. Write and think, think and write. Maybe cook something...
It's Monday once again and my life isn't getting any slower.

Boobs are scary.

Yesterday I accompanied my mom to the doctor. Earlier in the morning she had had a mammography, and since she had "dense zones", the lab people suggested she'd get a mammary ultrasound.
When I arrived home from school -it must have been 13:30-, she told me about the results and about the mammary ultrasound she'd get at 16:30 that same day. She basically made me feel nervous as hell and she looked as nervous as I had never seen her. Her hands were shaking and all...
To make her feel better (and make myself feel better) I kept telling her during lunch and the 2+ remaining hours that it was nothing, that it must be some weird mass, nothing cancerous, formed after she had breast augmentation surgery a few years back.
We arrived at the doctor's office and sat in the waiting room. All I could think about was: "What if she does have a malignant tumor and how will I react?". Cancer history in her family is not as huge, though her father died of brain cancer and her aunt -I think it was her- died of cancer too. I don't remember what kind.
"Cancer has been 'following' me everywhere lately" (side effect of the Fight Against Cancer Month) I kept thinking. My best friend also got checked up a few days ago because she felt a lump in her breast.
She's fine, it's just a water lump or something like that.
I watched the documentary "Crazy Sexy Cancer" on TV a few days ago as well and realized how real cancer is for every woman in the world (men too but I want to emphasize on women). I know that cancer is a common disease nowadays but I don't know, it just opened my eyes more.
We waited for about 35 minutes and during that time I started filling up a crossword, which made me feel like an ignorant because a didn't know most of the definitions/words.
We finally got called to enter the ultrasound room and the doctor was very funny. I guess he has already built up a funny personality to break the ice, make it easier if he has to tell bad news and of course, he's dealing with boobs, so...
I don't want to go into detail on the whole process but the bottom line is that after about 40 minutes of breast nomenclature explanation and looking at every single detail on the screen, he told us that everything was fine and that it was because of the breast implants that her body had self created tissue and a dense mass around her breast to keep the implant in place and "safe".
I felt extremely relieved, I think I felt more relieved than she did. No, that's impossible but I felt so happy and excited for her and for my family. I can't put it into words.
Then I started wondering about all the women who go into that room and come out with the "other" result. "I do have a malignant tumor, what will I do?".
I hope those women find their way and get through it. Who knows? Maybe I'll be next.

Soon...

If anyone is reading this, I just want to say that soon you'll get the chance to read one of the best blogs you've ever read. No, no, I'm kidding. However you will get the chance to read a pretty cool blog [meaning this one]. I thought that when I opened my Blogger account I'd be able to write the million things in my head and crappy notebooks on here but I haven't been able to do so. Suddenly, it's become very important and necessary for me that I type non-boring, interesting, helpful words and sentences. What if what is interesting to me isn't interesting for anyone else? What if nobody cares?
I keep telling myself that maybe I am expecting a little too much for this blog -which I have no idea how it's going to be written, yet.
Just hang in there, I swear it will be a great blog. Or maybe not but I'll do my best.

xoxo
Cuca