Uncertainty arises.

Sometimes, well, more often than not I feel like I'm wasting my time. Lately I've been feeling down and the inspirational/creative part of my mind, body and soul has gone missing. All I seem to do lately is watch TV and eat veggies and natural fruit—mango, strawberry, lime, coconut, grape, orange, tangerine, etc, etc,.—popsicles (they're pretty common here in Mexico. They have no preservatives, colorants nor anything chemical. They're delicious). I'm a Visual Arts student and lately haven't been inspired at all. About a month ago I started taking tons of photographs—which reminds me that I still have 3 35mm films and one medium format film still undeveloped—but lately... NOTHING. While growing up I was always really bad at school, especially in secondary school. I failed courses all the time, failed final exams and had to go to summer school during that 3 year period. Then I entered high school (10th grade) and I wasn't so bad anymore. Still, I always felt like school was never something for me. It never interested me; I got bored, I didn't like to interact with people as much and most of the time I had my headphones on. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't as anti-social as this may sound—not that there's anything wrong with being one.— I was in the soccer team, I had a lot of friends, I liked the teachers and the teachers liked me but it just wasn't my world, you know? I always felt (and still feel) like I didn't fit in. I'm in the fifth semester of my career and still have doubts about what I'm doing. I know doubts never really go away but I don't know if I'm still going the right direction... As a matter of fact, I don't even know if I made the right decision from the beginning. Am I wasting my time? The perfect excuse made by my brain is that this is something I have to live and experience; all the laziness, all the doing-nothing-time. All that wasted time. Is it worth it? How do I know if that time wasn't meant to have a great photograph or creation within its hours, minutes and seconds? Music has always been my passion, even more than Visual Arts. For reasons I don't quite understand now, I didn't go to a music school when I finished High School. Instead, I decided to apply to the Visual Arts department. I don't regret it, I just don't know if it's right for me anymore. I've never been the kind of person who finishes things, I always give up one thing before finishing it and start with the other. Sports, several extracurricular classes and activities, friends, projects, even music. I never finish anything. I hate it. I hate being so inconsistent and irresponsible. My lack of interest for my career is starting to bother me. Deep inside I know that I love Photography, it's definitely one of my passions in life but what kills my creative soul is school. They make me look at what I love as an assignment, a responsibility, something I HAVE to do when THEY want me to do it. I can't work like that. I don't function like that. They take the meaning out of my work. For the past few months I've been remembering the time when the High School counselor asked me how I saw myself in the future, in ten years. I always saw myself playing music, touring, sharing what I love the most (music) with everyone else. I never told her that. Instead I answered: 'I'm not sure, yet.'

xoxo
Cuca

My self-confused-portrait: